Yesterday, in an evening which rained so heavy that it clogged up the streets of the city with flash floods, I waited out for the rain and wandered around Kinokuniya. My friend lend me her brand new book, and I kept it for over a year, and knowing me as a person who eats while reading, one who places the book at everywhere I last read them, including inside the car and in my bag where I put my lunch, the book inevitably weathered. Feeling bad, the right thing to do is to replace the book with a new one - and that was what brought me to Kinokuniya last night.
After picking up that said book, I saw another book, a size of something like the buku rampaian (exercise book) which I used back in school, propped up on the counter - demanding for attention.
I couldn't help but to pick it up. It says, 'Yasmin'. That name pulled my heartstrings as I am reminded of someone who I once admired - and that has caused me to cry uncontrollably when I heard the news of her passing some four years ago. My mom was surprised and puzzled when she saw me crying in front of my laptop, and all I could mutter out between my sobs, stuffed nose, stinging eyes (looking like a horrible mess) was this, "ee cho kong koh eyh, ee jin jiah hoh eh lang, ee si liau" (this is Hokkien for, "she produces advertisement, she is a very good hearted person, and she has passed away"). After which, I cried even more. My mom somehow did not pursue further with my ambiguous explanation which didn't quite justify the need for such severe reaction on my part, but I did hear her saying softly, "ta ta lang, cha ban pun si eh, boh suh yao en neh kek sim." (everyone will meet with the end of their lives, sooner or later. No need to feel devastated).
Yes, that was the word to describe me then; devastated.
I never knew her, neither does she know me. I just knew her from her works in advertising and film making. From following her blog and the various works that she has produced with her team, I have grown to love her voice, her vision and her heart. But I never knew her. Neither does she know me.
But devastated, I was.
So yesterday night, I just felt a strong compelling to get this book and I have no regrets at all (not expecting one anyway). Firstly, the book wasn't sold to make money out of her death (like what is commonly done for great celebrities) but the profit from the sales were channeled to a volunteer relief organization providing medical and humanitarian services locally and abroad. And on top of that, this book was meant to immortalize the words and presence which she has imparted into the lives of those whom she has touched. She touched my life too, although not directly and I thought that this book may just be something worth keeping. It is not just a story of her life, it was the voices of her life, and they are now messages for others to be enriched from.
So needless to say, I spared no time poring over the book, when I had dinner, after shower, and before bed. And in the morning train ride, I read and read again. Before I knew it, I was 2/3 done with the book by the time I get to the office. There aren't many books that has such an effect on me (those who know me knows that I am a 'skip-reader': I skip between plots, pick up the important turning points, and get to the last chapter to read the ending". But like I said, this wasn't a story book, it was her voice and I am having a good time reading them.
Funny thing is, I think this book appeared at the right time of my life. No doubt that life is not defined just by the work that I do, but of late the negative vibes that infested this place has left many of us demoralized. Reading this book was like a breath of fresh air, and reminded me of a person who I used to be before this. Life can be really unpredictable, and at this juncture it is unpredictable as it gets. But one thing for sure, I will continue to trust in the Almighty who never once have failed me (regardless of the numerous times that I had let Him down). I am sure a resolution to this will come at the right time, I just need to be patient before truth prevails. And truth always prevails.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
This might just be a start to something that makes me happy
"A clear horizon — nothing to worry about on your plate, only things that are creative and not destructive… I can’t bear quarreling, I can’t bear feelings between people — I think hatred is wasted energy, and it’s all non-productive. I’m very sensitive — a sharp word, said by a person, say, who has a temper, if they’re close for me, hurts me for days. I know we’re only human, we do go in for these various emotions, call them negative emotions, but when all these are removed and you can look forward and the road is clear ahead, and now you’re going to create something — I think that’s as happy as I’ll ever want to be.”
scribbled at 10:34 AM
Sunday, April 7, 2013
I love to let my weekends to end with a defining song. I think it kind of prepares me for the week ahead - which is usually less forgiving than Saturdays and Sundays. It helps me bundle the small things which happened throughout the week, and putting it into perspective that everything happens as a part of a bigger picture.
Today at church service, the pastor shared a sermon on 'Transition'. What does it really mean?
Synonyms: passage - change - crossing - transit
Noun: The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.
I have been on the crossroads for sometime now. After something happened at work last year, I finally felt like it was time to move on. I had always been opening my options to other things throughout these years but somehow, something always happens which makes me change my mind and press on.
But the final straw came in last year, and without going into details - suffice to say that it made me realize that this world that we are living in can provide so much more once I take the step of faith and courage to venture out.
And I have been waiting since, for that absolution to come. A new venture that would take me out from the old and into an exciting new beginning.
Time passes on and sometimes, I just felt like the wait has been for the longest time I can ever remember. People came and they too have left. And I still find myself right where I am. And somedays, it creeps in rather deep and eat away my self-worth.
Then, this morning's sermon helped me understand that my transition has to be in His timing and in reverence of Him.
HOW TO TRANSIT WELL?
1) Cut off decisively from your messy past
2) Consecrate yourself to the Lord
3) Confront the situation head-on and step out in faith
Those were the main points from the sermon, and it hit home for me. I know that I have yet to fully forgiven those who has done wrong to me, and I took the situation mostly in my hands instead of surrendering it to the Lord in prayer. And while I was waiting for an opportunity, I have chanced upon many ideas which I wish I had the courage to start but I always have a reason to hold myself back.
Maybe, the transition will come when I have come to peace with all that I have to let go of. And until then, I shall surrender my life anew to God and walk in closer relationship with Him despite all the uncertainties in life.
At the end of the day, perhaps that is the only transition that I ever needed.
scribbled at 7:33 PM
Monday, April 1, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I want a new family.
I want a family without blood ties - but still with a bond as strong, or stronger yet.
I want a new family.
I want a family where we always create new and exciting opportunities - building each other up as we go along.
I want a new family.
I want a family which we can totally be ourselves, and we know for a fact that nothing in this world can change the special relationship we share.
I want a new family.
scribbled at 9:21 AM